Ramblin' On

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This next story is actually an essay that I wrote during a time of writer's block.  It deals with writer's block.  To preserve the flavor of the essay, it is presented as it was originally written in all caps.  It's pretty nonsensical, but you may enjoy it.


AS I SIT (OR IS IT SET.  I CAN'T REMEMBER FOR SURE.) AT THIS TYPEWRITER TYPEWRITING AWAY I JUST CANNOT THINK OF ANY STORIES TO WRITE.  I CANNOT THINK OF ANY STORIES TO WRITE EITHER.  SO NOW I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SIT (SET) HERE AND RAMBLE AWAY AND BORE EVERYBODY TO DEATH.  NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ALSO WOULDN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY TYPEING EARRERS I AM MAKING. SEE WHAT I MEAN?  ONLY NOW I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO CORREDCT THEM.  SO THERE.  FOR THE FEW PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL READING THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF GARBAGE MOST SUITABLE FOR WRAPPING FISH I WOULD LIKE TO SAY HOWWWDDDY, SO I WILL SAY IT NOW.  I DIDN'T SAY I WOULD TYPE IT.  I SAID I WOULD SAY IT.  AND I DID.


SINCE I'M RAMBLIN' AWAY AND NOT TALKIN' ABOUT STUFF I MAY.  SCRATCH THAT LAST SENTENCE.  START AGAIN.  SINCE I'M RAMBLIN' AWAY AND NOT WRITING A STORY I MAY AS WELL TALK ABOUT NESA (WRONG) NEAT STUFF.  I THINK NOW THAT I HAVE TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT NEAT STUFF I'LL JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD AND TYPE IT UP.


IN ALL THE WORLD THERE IS NOTHING FUNNIER TO READ THAN A DIRTY BOOK.  ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE DROPPED IT IN A MUD PUDDLE. (HA-HA HUH)


SERIOUSLY THOUGH, ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW SOME PEOPLE CAN GET ALL EXCITED BY READING WORDS LIKE UUUUNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAHHHH, OOOOOOOOOOHHHHH, AND NNNNNNNGGGGHHHH.  I ALWAYS LOOK AT IT LIKE IT MUST BE A TYPEWRITING ERROR.  YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE KEYS GOT STUCK OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.  OH WELL.  THEY SAY WHATEVER TURNS YOU ON.    NOW ME.  I LIKE TO READ BOOKS LIKE BED, SLEEP, REST, NAP, HOLIDAY, AND WEEKEND IN THEM.  MY FAVORITE WORD IS (ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ONE) VAAAACCAAAATTTIIIOOONNNNN!!!!!


NOW YOU MUST ADMIT.  DOESN'T EVERYONE LOVE TAKING A NICE LONG VACATION?  I KNOW I DO.  BUT NOW THAT I TYPE OF IT, I WILL BE DOGGED IF I KNOW WHY.  WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TYPE YOU IS ONE OF MY DEEP DARK SECRETS.  WHENEVER I TAKE A VACATION, THE TRUE AND HONEST ME COMES FORTH.  TOTAL KLUTZ.  KNOWING ME AS WELL AS YOU DO I KNOW YOU FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.  BUT TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.  IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.


TAKE FOR EXAMPLE THE LAST TIME I WENT ON VACATION.  IT WAS IN MARCH BEFORE I REPORTED ABOARD THIS SHIP, THE USS ORION (AS-18).  (HECK OF A WAY TO END A VACATION, HUH?)  I HAD JUST FINISHED WITH ET SCGI (FINGERS WERE IN THE WRONG PLACE) SCHOOL AND I NOW HAD FIFTEEN GLORIOUS DAYS (SIXTEEN IF YOU COUNT MY ONE DAY OF TRAVEL TIME) IN BEAUTIFUL OHIO.


I FLEW EITHER DELTA OR AMERICAN AIRLINES FROM O'HARE IN CHICAGO TO CINCINATTI (WRONG) CINCINNATI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS LOCATED ACROSS THE OHIO RIVER IN KENTUCKY.  I WENT TO THE BAGGAGE AREA TO PICK UP MY SUITCASE.  HALFWAY TO CINCINNATI WE HAD TO TURN AROUND AFTER I OPENED MY SUITCASE TO PULL OUT MY GRADUATION PICTURE AND REMOVED A SIZE 34-C, PADDED.  MY SUITCASE WAS STILL THERE.


NOBODY EVER GOT TO SEE MY GRADUATION PICTURE.  I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT MY CAN OF SHAVING CREAM IN MY SUITCASE.  OH WELL.  YOU CAN REST ASSURED MY CLOTHES DIDN'T HAVE A WHISKER ON THEM.


I DON'T LIVE IN CINCINNATI.  CINCINNATI IS 120 MILES FROM MY HOMETOWN OF PORTSMOUTH, OHIO.  I COULD FLY TO HUNTINGTON AIRPORT WHICH IS ONLY 60 MILES FROM MY HOUSE.  BUT HOLY SMOKES, THAT TAKES ALMOST TEN MINUTES LONGER TO FLY THERE.


AFTER THE THREE HOUR DRIVE TO PORTSMOUTH I WATCHED A LITTLE TELEVISION, DROPPED A BEER ON MYSELF, SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER, AND FELL INTO MY BED, WHICH COLLAPSED UNDER ME.


AFTER FALLING OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING I DECIDED TO GET UP.  I PUT ON MY PANTS AND SHIRT FIRST.  I THEN BENT OVER TO PICK UP MY SHOES AND SOCKS.  AFTER CHANGING PANTS AND GIVING THE RIPPED ONES TO MOM TO SEW, I FINALLY GOT MY SHOES ON.  IMMEDIATELY, I REMOVED MY SHOES AND PUT THEM ON THE RIGHT FEET. 


I SAT DOWN AT THE KITCHEN TABLE TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE I TALKED WITH MOM ABOUT COLD GREAT LAKES, ILLINOIS AND ABOUT WHERE I WAS GOING.  I DIDN'T FINISH MY COFFEE.  MOM'S SALT SHAKER HAD BEEN BROKEN AND THE SALT WAS SITTING IN A BOWL NEXT TO THE BOWL OF SUGAR.  NEED I SAY MORE?


I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM TO SHAVE, COMB MY HAIR, AND PUT ON SOME DEODORANT.  I HADN'T PLANNED ON TAKING A SHOWER BUT DECIDED TO AFTER I PICKED UP THE HAIR SPRAY INSTEAD OF THE RIGHT GUARD.  BUT YOU KNOW, ONCE YOU THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT GUARD IS SORT OF A HAIR SPRAY.


I TOLD MOM I WOULD SEE HER LATER, BORROWED HER CAR KEYS, (I WRECKED MY CAR LAST TIME I WAS HOME) AND WAS OFF TO TOWN.  WE ACTUALLY LIVED TWELVE MILES FROM PORTSMOUTH IN A LITTLE CITY CALLED LUCASVILLE.





I FINALLY MADE IT TO PORTSMOUTH AROUND !!#) (IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHAT TIME THAT IS,  LOOK AT A TYPEWRITER.


FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS I DROVE AROUND TOWN GOING FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE TO VISIT OLD FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.  WHAT A DRAG.  EVERYONE I KNEW HAD EITHER MOVED, JOINED THE SERVICE LIKE MYSELF, OR WERE AWAY AT COLLEGE.  AFTER A WHILE I WAS GETTING DESPERATE.  I ENDED UP SPENDING THE DAY TALKING TO TEACHERS FROM HIGH SCHOOL.  (THRILLS)


AFTER WHAT HAD TURNED OUT AS A DISASTROUS, TERRIBLE BORING, BLECH DAY, I WAS DETERMINED TO MAKE THE MOST OF THE NIGHT.  NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD ALL MAKING THE MOST OF A NIGHT BUT I KNOW IN MY OPINION IT WAS NOWHERE NEAR THAT.  WHEN I GOT HOME I FOUND OUT THAT MY MOM HAD INVITED ALL OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS OUT TO THE HOUSE FOR SUPPER THAT NIGHT. (DRAG)


THAT'S  ABOUT HOW IT WENT FOR THE NEXT FOURTEEN DAYS.  YOU MIGHT THINK IT WAS A RELIEF TO BE LEAVING.  WELL, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.  BUT LIKE I SAID, I HAD ONE DAY TRAVEL TIME.  THAT WAS THE DAY FY OLD GIRLFRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL CAME BACK FROM VISITING HER GRANDMA IN COLUMBUS, OHIO.  I WOULD TYPE ABOUT THAT, BUT LIKE I SAID ON PAGE STO (WRONG AGAIN) ONE, READING THOSE STORIES DON'T TURN ME ON.  NO MORE RAMBLIN' TODAY.

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